My Debilitating Defense Mechanism: Thoughts on Shyness

I want to start out by stating something. Shyness isn't me, nor does it define me. I don't want to let it do that any longer. I am not a shy person. 

It only took me 22 years to realize that, but now I know that that's true. The person inside me, the person I really am, is not a shy person. My personality is more quiet, reserved, and laid back. But shyness is no one's true personality. I will no longer let that define me.

As I've spoken to people who have helped me on my pathway to healing from things in my past, I have come to understand that shyness is a learned behavior-- one that I put up to protect myself. I have had this defense since I was a little girl, so it is a behavior that is hard to learn how to stop. I don't need to protect myself in those ways anymore. But a habit, 18 + years in the making, is a hard one to stop. 

Ironically, this defense that I put up so long ago is now hurting me instead of helping me. Let me be clear, I hate being shy. It's one of the things that I hate most about myself.

It makes it extremely difficult to show the real me. It makes it hard for me to get close to people, to make friends. 

So, why don't you just stop? you may ask. Believe me, I've been trying--really hard. It's not so easy to stop a learned behavior and a defense mechanism. 

I've watched opportunities and potential friendships pass me by. I've experienced excruciating loneliness. I've stood by and watched these things happen, and believe me, there are few things in life as painful as loving someone and feeling stuck in showing the real you, and watching them leave you because it's been too hard to show them who you really are. 

Loneliness is one of the most painful things in life to face, and it is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies. Feeling alone, abandoned, unloved. Feeling like you have no friends. Its feeling like no one would ever love you, like no one would want to be your friend. It's a feeling of worthlessness. It sucks.

It's hard to know who you really are, but feel trapped in yourself so you can't show it. It's like being trapped in your own mind, wanting to be yourself, but being unable to do so. 

Now this doesn't mean I'm unable to be myself all the time, it just makes it so much more difficult. Once I get to know someone, I am able to open up. It just takes someone with patience and compassion to let me open up to them. 

I am not shy. I am brave, kind, passionate, opinionated, imaginative, laid back, reserved, a dreamer, compassionate, loving. I am sarcastic, witty, clumsy. I love people, I love being with  people. But I am not shy. 

I'm tired of watching people and opportunities pass me by. No more am I going to be looked over, pushed to the side, or ignored. 

Shyness is a wall I put up to protect myself from the cruelty I was exposed to. I have been trying desperately to tear that wall back down again. I know how to protect myself now. I'm not a helpless little girl anymore. I am a strong, able woman. 

I don't need to be shy anymore. I need to be me.

Bear with me as I learn to be myself again. 

Look out world, here I come. 

Depression Update... It really sucks

Ah Spring semester, the best semester ever! Not.

It's the end of the school year, it's mostly dreary weather outside, no holidays, and I've got a lot of final projects to get done. Basically a giant pit of stuff that likes to make my depression even worse. Every year. Thank goodness summer comes after.

To all of you suffering from depression too, I get it. I really do. It completely sucks. I try not to use that word, but I can't help it when I'm talking about depression. It really just sucks.

This past month has been particularly difficult. The thing with depression is it makes you kick yourself in your own foot. Having a pile of things to get done can lead to feeling depressed, and then depression takes away your motivation to get it done. So, in essence, you get nothing accomplished. Very ironic, but very true. Then, if you are effected by the seasons and dreary weather (SAD syndrome as it's called) like I am, it just adds another thing on top of the pile. You feel even less motivated than usual. Even writing this took some motivation. Spring Semester is like a giant pile of things working against me every year, and my grades always show it.

Sometimes it hits you easy and sometimes it hits you hard. This time I got hit HARD. I'm starting to get better at identifying when I'm going through a depression slump. This past year or so is finally when I became educated about my depression, about what triggers it, and about how to identify when I'm going through it. Oddly enough, you don't always think "Oh gee, I'm depressed again" when your going through it. It can take a while to even realize it, or you may not recognize it at all if you haven't been trained to recognize it like I have. It's like this wall of darkness comes and encompasses your mind, and you don't always think to recognize it for what it is unless you've been taught to. Even then, it is difficult.

It is indeed an illness. I only wish that society really recognized it better for what it is. Teachers and peers easily excuse you for physical illnesses and injuries. But mental health illnesses are often ignored or overlooked. This is very ironic, because sometimes it would be easier for me to sit through a class with the flu than a day when I'm really depressed. Seriously. It can be that bad, and it has been recently for me. And the bad thing is it doesn't normally come in short spurts either. It can last weeks or months.

It's something that literally sucks away all motivation and emotion. It's like a black hole in your mind that can turn you into a zombie. It takes away your energy, and it takes so much energy to try and fight through it. It makes you not want to go anywhere, do anything, or feel anything. It's a disease that starts in your mind and effects the rest of your body. All you want to do is sleep because it's draining, and sleep sometimes feels like the only escape. You feel devoid of emotion, and you desperately seek anything and everything funny to try and make you feel something. To try and pull yourself out of it. You start to put off doing things, and then you get behind, and loose even more motivation to get things done. You try and pay attention to something or try to work on something, but you feel your mind fighting through a fog that refuses to let you concentrate or feel motivation to finish the task you are trying to accomplish. You push others away, because being social is too much energy, but that makes you lonely.
And all that makes you hard on yourself. You feel like a failure. You feel a lot of negative things about yourself that you try and tell yourself aren't true, but find hard to not believe.

That's what depression feels like.

So how do I fight it? Baby steps. I've learned to be easier on myself, and sometimes not force myself to do things when I really need a day. And also force myself to get things done when I really do need to get them done, but accept it being maybe not the best work I could do when I am well, but the best that I can do now. Pray. A lot. Watch funny videos online or favorite movies. Listen to music, color, sing, write, read. Cuddle with my dog and a warm blanket it front of the tv. I have to do things that I enjoy and that remind me of who I really am when I'm not depressed.


I'm writing this to help me, but also help others who are going through this as well, For those around me, I'm also asking for your patience and understanding. This semester hasn't been me at my best that I can be, but it is my best for what I can give right now. I wake up everyday trying my best, and that's all I can ever give is my best. That's all we can ever give. I don't wake up trying to be lazy or give excuses, but I get up trying to fight through this illness the best I can.

We all have trials and this is one of mine. To all those who have friends fighting through depression, from one going through it myself, I would ask you to be patient with them. Be understanding, be kinder and gentler than usual. Reach out to them and be their friend when they need it most. That's what I could use, and I'm sure they could too.

To those fighting through this depression thing like I am, don't give up. I know from experience that it gets better, even though it's hard to see it at the time. I'm still waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel of this slump, but I know it'll come eventually. Until then we have to keep fighting, and being understanding to ourselves. One day soon the fog will lift and we'll see our true selves again.