My Debilitating Defense Mechanism: Thoughts on Shyness

I want to start out by stating something. Shyness isn't me, nor does it define me. I don't want to let it do that any longer. I am not a shy person. 

It only took me 22 years to realize that, but now I know that that's true. The person inside me, the person I really am, is not a shy person. My personality is more quiet, reserved, and laid back. But shyness is no one's true personality. I will no longer let that define me.

As I've spoken to people who have helped me on my pathway to healing from things in my past, I have come to understand that shyness is a learned behavior-- one that I put up to protect myself. I have had this defense since I was a little girl, so it is a behavior that is hard to learn how to stop. I don't need to protect myself in those ways anymore. But a habit, 18 + years in the making, is a hard one to stop. 

Ironically, this defense that I put up so long ago is now hurting me instead of helping me. Let me be clear, I hate being shy. It's one of the things that I hate most about myself.

It makes it extremely difficult to show the real me. It makes it hard for me to get close to people, to make friends. 

So, why don't you just stop? you may ask. Believe me, I've been trying--really hard. It's not so easy to stop a learned behavior and a defense mechanism. 

I've watched opportunities and potential friendships pass me by. I've experienced excruciating loneliness. I've stood by and watched these things happen, and believe me, there are few things in life as painful as loving someone and feeling stuck in showing the real you, and watching them leave you because it's been too hard to show them who you really are. 

Loneliness is one of the most painful things in life to face, and it is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies. Feeling alone, abandoned, unloved. Feeling like you have no friends. Its feeling like no one would ever love you, like no one would want to be your friend. It's a feeling of worthlessness. It sucks.

It's hard to know who you really are, but feel trapped in yourself so you can't show it. It's like being trapped in your own mind, wanting to be yourself, but being unable to do so. 

Now this doesn't mean I'm unable to be myself all the time, it just makes it so much more difficult. Once I get to know someone, I am able to open up. It just takes someone with patience and compassion to let me open up to them. 

I am not shy. I am brave, kind, passionate, opinionated, imaginative, laid back, reserved, a dreamer, compassionate, loving. I am sarcastic, witty, clumsy. I love people, I love being with  people. But I am not shy. 

I'm tired of watching people and opportunities pass me by. No more am I going to be looked over, pushed to the side, or ignored. 

Shyness is a wall I put up to protect myself from the cruelty I was exposed to. I have been trying desperately to tear that wall back down again. I know how to protect myself now. I'm not a helpless little girl anymore. I am a strong, able woman. 

I don't need to be shy anymore. I need to be me.

Bear with me as I learn to be myself again. 

Look out world, here I come. 

Depression Update... It really sucks

Ah Spring semester, the best semester ever! Not.

It's the end of the school year, it's mostly dreary weather outside, no holidays, and I've got a lot of final projects to get done. Basically a giant pit of stuff that likes to make my depression even worse. Every year. Thank goodness summer comes after.

To all of you suffering from depression too, I get it. I really do. It completely sucks. I try not to use that word, but I can't help it when I'm talking about depression. It really just sucks.

This past month has been particularly difficult. The thing with depression is it makes you kick yourself in your own foot. Having a pile of things to get done can lead to feeling depressed, and then depression takes away your motivation to get it done. So, in essence, you get nothing accomplished. Very ironic, but very true. Then, if you are effected by the seasons and dreary weather (SAD syndrome as it's called) like I am, it just adds another thing on top of the pile. You feel even less motivated than usual. Even writing this took some motivation. Spring Semester is like a giant pile of things working against me every year, and my grades always show it.

Sometimes it hits you easy and sometimes it hits you hard. This time I got hit HARD. I'm starting to get better at identifying when I'm going through a depression slump. This past year or so is finally when I became educated about my depression, about what triggers it, and about how to identify when I'm going through it. Oddly enough, you don't always think "Oh gee, I'm depressed again" when your going through it. It can take a while to even realize it, or you may not recognize it at all if you haven't been trained to recognize it like I have. It's like this wall of darkness comes and encompasses your mind, and you don't always think to recognize it for what it is unless you've been taught to. Even then, it is difficult.

It is indeed an illness. I only wish that society really recognized it better for what it is. Teachers and peers easily excuse you for physical illnesses and injuries. But mental health illnesses are often ignored or overlooked. This is very ironic, because sometimes it would be easier for me to sit through a class with the flu than a day when I'm really depressed. Seriously. It can be that bad, and it has been recently for me. And the bad thing is it doesn't normally come in short spurts either. It can last weeks or months.

It's something that literally sucks away all motivation and emotion. It's like a black hole in your mind that can turn you into a zombie. It takes away your energy, and it takes so much energy to try and fight through it. It makes you not want to go anywhere, do anything, or feel anything. It's a disease that starts in your mind and effects the rest of your body. All you want to do is sleep because it's draining, and sleep sometimes feels like the only escape. You feel devoid of emotion, and you desperately seek anything and everything funny to try and make you feel something. To try and pull yourself out of it. You start to put off doing things, and then you get behind, and loose even more motivation to get things done. You try and pay attention to something or try to work on something, but you feel your mind fighting through a fog that refuses to let you concentrate or feel motivation to finish the task you are trying to accomplish. You push others away, because being social is too much energy, but that makes you lonely.
And all that makes you hard on yourself. You feel like a failure. You feel a lot of negative things about yourself that you try and tell yourself aren't true, but find hard to not believe.

That's what depression feels like.

So how do I fight it? Baby steps. I've learned to be easier on myself, and sometimes not force myself to do things when I really need a day. And also force myself to get things done when I really do need to get them done, but accept it being maybe not the best work I could do when I am well, but the best that I can do now. Pray. A lot. Watch funny videos online or favorite movies. Listen to music, color, sing, write, read. Cuddle with my dog and a warm blanket it front of the tv. I have to do things that I enjoy and that remind me of who I really am when I'm not depressed.


I'm writing this to help me, but also help others who are going through this as well, For those around me, I'm also asking for your patience and understanding. This semester hasn't been me at my best that I can be, but it is my best for what I can give right now. I wake up everyday trying my best, and that's all I can ever give is my best. That's all we can ever give. I don't wake up trying to be lazy or give excuses, but I get up trying to fight through this illness the best I can.

We all have trials and this is one of mine. To all those who have friends fighting through depression, from one going through it myself, I would ask you to be patient with them. Be understanding, be kinder and gentler than usual. Reach out to them and be their friend when they need it most. That's what I could use, and I'm sure they could too.

To those fighting through this depression thing like I am, don't give up. I know from experience that it gets better, even though it's hard to see it at the time. I'm still waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel of this slump, but I know it'll come eventually. Until then we have to keep fighting, and being understanding to ourselves. One day soon the fog will lift and we'll see our true selves again.

My mission experience and my illnesses

Over a year ago I left to go to the MTC to serve my mission in Baltimore, Maryland. And over a year ago I also came back from my mission.

This has been a confusing thing to explain to people. I get this a lot:

"Did you serve a mission?"

"Yeah I did."

"Where?"

"Baltimore Maryland."

"Oh did you like it there?"

"I actually didn't get to go there. I only went to the MTC. I came home for medical reasons."

 And then.

"How long were you out?"

"...about one week."

Then there's usually an awkward pause for the person to try and figure out how to best respond.

"Oh...well that's ok."

or

"Ah that's too bad."

or my least favorite:

"What was wrong? Are you ok?"

And then I awkwardly try to explain what was wrong without getting too personal. But the problem is, it is personal, so there's no non-awkward way to explain it.

If there's one thing I couldn't stress enough, first of all, is please don't ask a early returned missionary why they came home early. I know you are just curious, or concerned, and don't mean any offense, but it's a really personal question to ask. It's essentially asking, "So what was wrong with you?"
Whether for medical or other reasons, please just don't ask. When they're ready to talk about it, if they so choose, they will tell you.

Like I said earlier, I came home for medical reasons. And for the first time, I'm finally ready and willing to openly talk about it. I've had many people curious to know about my experience and reasons, and I know it's because you guys care about me. And because I care about you too, and I want you to understand my experiences out of hope that you can understand me better, and so that I might be able to help others too, here's my experience:

When the mission age was lowered I first started to seriously consider going on a mission. Several years later, after many years of prayer and searching, I received my answer last year. I felt a gentle but powerful prompting, one that my mom shared with me, that I should go on a mission.

And so I prepared. I took a leave of absence from school. I quit my job. I sold my car. I bought all the stuff I needed. And I got my mission call to Baltimore Maryland April 24th, 2014 (on my mom's birthday).

I was extremely excited and nervous. On July 16th, 2014 I left for the MTC. I met great people there. I felt the spirit so strongly. I became good friends with my district, particularly my 6 roommates who I grew to love like they were my own sisters. My sister-training leader felt like she was the older sister I never had, and I looked up to her immensely. I loved my companion to pieces--it felt like we had known each other for years. I knew the spirit was guiding me to become more Christ-like and become a better, more fearless teacher of the gospel. I had words come out of my mouth as I taught someone for the first time, that were definitely not mine, but the spirit's. My prayers became so powerful that I could almost physically feel it. I was one of the first recipients of a blessing from my young District Leader that he had ever given. The tender mercies of the Lord were so abundant that I couldn't believe my eyes every single day. I grew so much those days, it was a true miracle.

And all that was just 6 days of being a missionary.

All those things I heard were things that could happen on your mission, and they happened to me. Still, it blew my mind of how much the Lord loves and gives power to his young missionaries. How much power and love He gave and showed to me.

I'll always be grateful for Him for those experiences.

However, something happened that I wasn't planning on. I came home early. 6 days after I left on my mission, I came home.

I can't adequately explain how I felt when I came home. I felt like I had failed. Failed my family and friends. Failed my bishop, Stake President, and Branch President. Failed my new missionary brothers and sisters. Failed the people in Baltimore. Failed myself. And most unbearably, failed the Lord. Worse still, I felt like He had failed me too.

I felt crushed, broken, and hurt. What had happened? What did I do wrong?

The kind man who helped me check out of the MTC with all the paperwork, though trying hard to make me feel better, unfortunately asked me (after I had told him the things that were plaguing me) why I had served a mission?

"Then why on earth did you serve a mission?" he asked me.

I couldn't answer him then, but I can now.

I served a mission because it's what the Lord wanted me to do. I felt the undeniable power of the holy spirit tell me so. And I can't and won't deny that it was the the right thing to do. Maybe things didn't turn out the way I expected, but I've been learning that while following the spirit may not turn out the way you think it will (or even should), it always is what's best.

So how could going on a mission only to have to come home possibly be a good thing? I didn't know for a long time, but I'm finally starting to understand. The Lord didn't fail me, and I didn't fail Him.

So I wanted to talk about my decision to serve a mission and my experiences a little bit first. I wanted to be clear that I know it was the right thing for me, even if it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.

So, basically I had a very traumatic experience happen to me as a child (I won't go into details because it's personal), that have affected me as I grew into adulthood. I bore the burden of it alone, (for about 8 years), too confused about what I was feeling and what I had gone through to share it with anyone for a really long time. I went through major depression my junior year of high school, and have battled intensely with depression on and off throughout my teen and young adult years because of my past experience.

I also suffer from anxiety as well as depression, and recently found out that I have PTSD (post-traumatic stress syndrome) as well. Although I had seen counseling before my mission, I hadn't fully healed from my illnesses (because, although not physical, that's what they are)  as well as I thought I had. So, in a very stressful and intense environment like the MTC, it only aggravated my illnesses and made them 10X's worse. I also was going through some physical issues at the time as well that I've been working with doctors to resolve. It was a miracle I lasted for as long as I did there, as several doctors have told me.

So those are my reasons for coming home early. I also came home very sleep deprived, sick, and had lost several pounds due to stress and lack of appetite. As much as I loved the MTC, it was by far the hardest week of my life. My illnesses made it so much more difficult.

I came home initially trying to avoid everyone out of shame. I went to church for a solid month at different wards to avoid anyone I knew. It took me several months to work up the courage to go back to my own ward, or to even feel semi-comfortable stepping outside of my own house again.

Despite my complete loss of what to do next with my life, I barely made the registration deadline for fall semester at UVU, and I hurried and signed up for classes, trying to move on with my life.

Things started going uphill from there. I made new friends, and started to socialize again. I got a good new job and was able to take my mind off of my problems by focusing on schoolwork. I went back to my ward and got a very warm welcome. I started seeing a good doctors, and I finally feel like I'm getting the help I needed.

I know now that if I hadn't gone on my mission, it might've taken me years to get the help I needed, and to realize the depth of the healing I still needed to do. What I initially thought of as a nightmare, was now a huge blessing in disguise. The answer to so many prayers as I felt alone struggling through my burdens was finally answered in a huge way.

What I want all early returned missionaries to know is that it's okay. Yeah you'll always come across people who don't understand or who are more nosey than they should. You'll always have some people who misjudge you. But the bottom line is, you went on a mission. You showed the Lord you were willing to serve Him, and He'll never forget you for that. It doesn't matter if it was for 18 months, 2 months, or 6 days, you still went on a mission. You did what you felt was the right thing to do, and no matter what happens, if the spirit says it's right, it's always right. No matter what. And things will work out the way they were meant to in the way that's the absolute best for you. Because no one knows you better than the Lord. You might be tempted to get mad, like I did at first. And that's ok. Let the anger out and then ask Him what the purpose of all this is, and He'll show you.

And if you too, have been suffering from a mental illness, know you aren't alone. Ignore the stigma, it's stupid. Your brain is part of your body too, and it is just as prone to illness and injury as anything else. You aren't crazy. You aren't weak. There's nothing wrong with you. You just need to heal, the same as if you had a broken bone. Don't be afraid to ask for help like I was for so long. As Elder Holland says, "There is help and happiness ahead." It's true, that I can say from personal experience.

So there it is, my personal experience. I hope this clarifies things for those of you who have wondered about me and my mission. I also hope it brought some help and hope for those who have been through similar experiences. The main thing I can testify with a surety from my experiences is of God's love. Don't ever forget it. Thanks for reading!

Whatever happened to the class of 2011?

One thing I've learned as I've grown older (especially since high school graduation) is that time goes by really fast the older you get. I mean, I felt like my childhood lasted at least a decent amount of time, but college for instance, has flown by like crazy! I just read some of my posts from when I first started college, which was about 2 (TWO!) years ago, which doesn't feel like it should be that long!

A lot more seems to happen in a shorter amount of time too. Like my peers for example. Things keep happening to them, and I'm like, but you're just kids! And so am I! How are we growing up so fast?

Friends are now gone on missions, off to college and study abroads, getting engaged, and even having kids of their own. Several girls my age that I knew from HS are now engaged, and it seems like most I know are off on missions. If not those things, then they are working, going to college, or perhaps even travelling the world. Girls only a little older than me are engaged, married, and a few are pregnant. The guys my age are pretty much all gone on missions right now, and the guys older than me are maybe still on missions or are back already. Crazy right?

I really legitimately feel like I'm growing up a lot more than I did two years ago. I don't have freshman status anymore, I'm a sophomore, and I feel more seasoned and mature in some ways, but just as scared in others. I technically should be a junior, but I've taken smaller class loads than some of my peers, so I'm still a sophomore. I'm perfectly ok with that. Really, especially after freshman year, everyone goes their own pace in college. School gets interrupted with missions, other plans, work, marriage, and just life in general so it's ok I'm still a sophomore. The guys that just got back from missions, though two years older than me, are probably just freshman and sophomores as well.

A lot has been happening to me too, and I realize I am growing up. I'm not the niave recent HS graduate or college freshman anymore (although I still am niave in some things). Unfortunately I sort of lost my zest for college the last semester in particular, though I'm hoping I'll get it back again. Two years ago I was like, YEAH COLLEGE! Last semester I was like, WHEN IS SUMMER BREAK? in January. I was also taking the bulk of my generals the last two semesters, so I got really bored, stressed, and overwhelmed. But now I'm free to take a lot more fun classes, so that's good. But I'm also considering changing my major, so I'm also unsure of what to do with college right now. Which is good I'm planning on taking a break from it for a year and a half really soon, if you know what I mean? ;) College has felt like a closed door for a while, and now I know why. It's because there was another open door I'm supposed to go through first, with the words MISSION on it. College felt right a year ago, but a mission feels right now. I feel college will be right when I get back, and I really want to settle on a major and graduate in the near future so I can get a good job that I enjoy. And I also want to enjoy college again. Who knows, maybe I'll end up transferring colleges later too? But all that when I get back from my mission, which is the right path for me now.

It's both scary and exciting to grow up, and I'm grateful to the Lord for being with me every step of the way. I'm looking forward to my high school reunion to catch up with everyone again!


Whatever happened to the class of 2011? Great things!!!