My mission experience and my illnesses

Over a year ago I left to go to the MTC to serve my mission in Baltimore, Maryland. And over a year ago I also came back from my mission.

This has been a confusing thing to explain to people. I get this a lot:

"Did you serve a mission?"

"Yeah I did."

"Where?"

"Baltimore Maryland."

"Oh did you like it there?"

"I actually didn't get to go there. I only went to the MTC. I came home for medical reasons."

 And then.

"How long were you out?"

"...about one week."

Then there's usually an awkward pause for the person to try and figure out how to best respond.

"Oh...well that's ok."

or

"Ah that's too bad."

or my least favorite:

"What was wrong? Are you ok?"

And then I awkwardly try to explain what was wrong without getting too personal. But the problem is, it is personal, so there's no non-awkward way to explain it.

If there's one thing I couldn't stress enough, first of all, is please don't ask a early returned missionary why they came home early. I know you are just curious, or concerned, and don't mean any offense, but it's a really personal question to ask. It's essentially asking, "So what was wrong with you?"
Whether for medical or other reasons, please just don't ask. When they're ready to talk about it, if they so choose, they will tell you.

Like I said earlier, I came home for medical reasons. And for the first time, I'm finally ready and willing to openly talk about it. I've had many people curious to know about my experience and reasons, and I know it's because you guys care about me. And because I care about you too, and I want you to understand my experiences out of hope that you can understand me better, and so that I might be able to help others too, here's my experience:

When the mission age was lowered I first started to seriously consider going on a mission. Several years later, after many years of prayer and searching, I received my answer last year. I felt a gentle but powerful prompting, one that my mom shared with me, that I should go on a mission.

And so I prepared. I took a leave of absence from school. I quit my job. I sold my car. I bought all the stuff I needed. And I got my mission call to Baltimore Maryland April 24th, 2014 (on my mom's birthday).

I was extremely excited and nervous. On July 16th, 2014 I left for the MTC. I met great people there. I felt the spirit so strongly. I became good friends with my district, particularly my 6 roommates who I grew to love like they were my own sisters. My sister-training leader felt like she was the older sister I never had, and I looked up to her immensely. I loved my companion to pieces--it felt like we had known each other for years. I knew the spirit was guiding me to become more Christ-like and become a better, more fearless teacher of the gospel. I had words come out of my mouth as I taught someone for the first time, that were definitely not mine, but the spirit's. My prayers became so powerful that I could almost physically feel it. I was one of the first recipients of a blessing from my young District Leader that he had ever given. The tender mercies of the Lord were so abundant that I couldn't believe my eyes every single day. I grew so much those days, it was a true miracle.

And all that was just 6 days of being a missionary.

All those things I heard were things that could happen on your mission, and they happened to me. Still, it blew my mind of how much the Lord loves and gives power to his young missionaries. How much power and love He gave and showed to me.

I'll always be grateful for Him for those experiences.

However, something happened that I wasn't planning on. I came home early. 6 days after I left on my mission, I came home.

I can't adequately explain how I felt when I came home. I felt like I had failed. Failed my family and friends. Failed my bishop, Stake President, and Branch President. Failed my new missionary brothers and sisters. Failed the people in Baltimore. Failed myself. And most unbearably, failed the Lord. Worse still, I felt like He had failed me too.

I felt crushed, broken, and hurt. What had happened? What did I do wrong?

The kind man who helped me check out of the MTC with all the paperwork, though trying hard to make me feel better, unfortunately asked me (after I had told him the things that were plaguing me) why I had served a mission?

"Then why on earth did you serve a mission?" he asked me.

I couldn't answer him then, but I can now.

I served a mission because it's what the Lord wanted me to do. I felt the undeniable power of the holy spirit tell me so. And I can't and won't deny that it was the the right thing to do. Maybe things didn't turn out the way I expected, but I've been learning that while following the spirit may not turn out the way you think it will (or even should), it always is what's best.

So how could going on a mission only to have to come home possibly be a good thing? I didn't know for a long time, but I'm finally starting to understand. The Lord didn't fail me, and I didn't fail Him.

So I wanted to talk about my decision to serve a mission and my experiences a little bit first. I wanted to be clear that I know it was the right thing for me, even if it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.

So, basically I had a very traumatic experience happen to me as a child (I won't go into details because it's personal), that have affected me as I grew into adulthood. I bore the burden of it alone, (for about 8 years), too confused about what I was feeling and what I had gone through to share it with anyone for a really long time. I went through major depression my junior year of high school, and have battled intensely with depression on and off throughout my teen and young adult years because of my past experience.

I also suffer from anxiety as well as depression, and recently found out that I have PTSD (post-traumatic stress syndrome) as well. Although I had seen counseling before my mission, I hadn't fully healed from my illnesses (because, although not physical, that's what they are)  as well as I thought I had. So, in a very stressful and intense environment like the MTC, it only aggravated my illnesses and made them 10X's worse. I also was going through some physical issues at the time as well that I've been working with doctors to resolve. It was a miracle I lasted for as long as I did there, as several doctors have told me.

So those are my reasons for coming home early. I also came home very sleep deprived, sick, and had lost several pounds due to stress and lack of appetite. As much as I loved the MTC, it was by far the hardest week of my life. My illnesses made it so much more difficult.

I came home initially trying to avoid everyone out of shame. I went to church for a solid month at different wards to avoid anyone I knew. It took me several months to work up the courage to go back to my own ward, or to even feel semi-comfortable stepping outside of my own house again.

Despite my complete loss of what to do next with my life, I barely made the registration deadline for fall semester at UVU, and I hurried and signed up for classes, trying to move on with my life.

Things started going uphill from there. I made new friends, and started to socialize again. I got a good new job and was able to take my mind off of my problems by focusing on schoolwork. I went back to my ward and got a very warm welcome. I started seeing a good doctors, and I finally feel like I'm getting the help I needed.

I know now that if I hadn't gone on my mission, it might've taken me years to get the help I needed, and to realize the depth of the healing I still needed to do. What I initially thought of as a nightmare, was now a huge blessing in disguise. The answer to so many prayers as I felt alone struggling through my burdens was finally answered in a huge way.

What I want all early returned missionaries to know is that it's okay. Yeah you'll always come across people who don't understand or who are more nosey than they should. You'll always have some people who misjudge you. But the bottom line is, you went on a mission. You showed the Lord you were willing to serve Him, and He'll never forget you for that. It doesn't matter if it was for 18 months, 2 months, or 6 days, you still went on a mission. You did what you felt was the right thing to do, and no matter what happens, if the spirit says it's right, it's always right. No matter what. And things will work out the way they were meant to in the way that's the absolute best for you. Because no one knows you better than the Lord. You might be tempted to get mad, like I did at first. And that's ok. Let the anger out and then ask Him what the purpose of all this is, and He'll show you.

And if you too, have been suffering from a mental illness, know you aren't alone. Ignore the stigma, it's stupid. Your brain is part of your body too, and it is just as prone to illness and injury as anything else. You aren't crazy. You aren't weak. There's nothing wrong with you. You just need to heal, the same as if you had a broken bone. Don't be afraid to ask for help like I was for so long. As Elder Holland says, "There is help and happiness ahead." It's true, that I can say from personal experience.

So there it is, my personal experience. I hope this clarifies things for those of you who have wondered about me and my mission. I also hope it brought some help and hope for those who have been through similar experiences. The main thing I can testify with a surety from my experiences is of God's love. Don't ever forget it. Thanks for reading!